i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
