A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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