i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize