I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
