You're completely useless in the revolution.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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