Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
