Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
