so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize