i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
