Im at strip club and am horny
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
