There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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