if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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