Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Still dying that you shit outside
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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