I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
