as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
