did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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