i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
