you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
