i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
