I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
