Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
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well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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