i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
