I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
