Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
