happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
