I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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