Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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