I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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