god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
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If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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