No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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