She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
