see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
