FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What drink are we having for lunch?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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