I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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