I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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