So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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