dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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