Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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