There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
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My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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