You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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