you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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