alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
