my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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