he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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