Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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