but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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