lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
