remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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