I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
