Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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