in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
