i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
