Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
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I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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