Plan B is the new Plan A
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I deserve this hangover.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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