drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
