A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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