Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
