my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
