just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
