Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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